Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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