I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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