How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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