I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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