So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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