ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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