the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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