Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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