Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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