if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
