His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
