I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The best revenge is premature balding
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
