my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I want her autograph on my taint
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
