I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
