She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
