I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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