imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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