At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
