yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
