fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
