No stitches, just platelets and will power
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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