What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
