Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I did not marry a roomba.
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