Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My feet surprised me
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
