Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
