There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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