woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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