did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
