How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
