During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
