there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
