my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
