broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think my moral compass just broke
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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