I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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