Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
