It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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