Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
