I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
