In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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