Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
