He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
