my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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