I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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