1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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