she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
