I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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