If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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