dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dear god my vagina.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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