you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
