i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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