Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
