Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
