i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
