Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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